The Paradox of Pleasing
Self-Abandonment and the Journey to Self-Trust
People-pleasing seems like an act of kindness, a way to maintain harmony and be liked. But beneath the surface, it often comes at a devastating cost—self-abandonment. When we make our primary goal the happiness and approval of others, we lose connection with ourselves. And when we are disconnected from ourselves, we cannot form authentic, healthy relationships.
This paradox has deep roots in attachment theory, which helps explain why some of us fall into the cycle of people-pleasing and why it ultimately keeps us from attracting relationships that truly align with who we are. However, recognising self-abandonment is only the first step. The real transformation begins when we rebuild self-trust—the foundation that allows us to break free from approval-seeking and create relationships based on authenticity rather than performance.
The Roots of People-Pleasing in Attachment Theory
Attachment theory, explains how early relationships with caregivers shape our attachment styles. The way we learned to get our needs met as children influences how we navigate relationships as adults. People-pleasing is often linked to anxious attachment, where approval and connection feel like a matter of survival.
As children, if our emotional needs were met inconsistently—sometimes receiving love and attention, other times facing rejection or neglect—we learned to scan for signs of approval and adjust our behaviour accordingly. We became hyper-aware of others’ moods and reactions, believing that our worth was tied to how well we could keep others happy. The message absorbed was: If I am good enough, accommodating enough, and pleasing enough, I will be loved.
This belief system follows us into adulthood, where we continue prioritising others' needs over our own. We believe that if we mould ourselves into what others want, we will be accepted. But this strategy is flawed because it rests on the false premise that love is earned through self-sacrifice rather than authenticity.
Self-Abandonment
The biggest problem with people-pleasing is that it requires us to abandon ourselves. Each time we silence our needs, ignore our intuition or suppress our boundaries to make someone else comfortable, we step further away from our true selves. We become so accustomed to external validation that we forget how to validate ourselves.
When we abandon ourselves, we create a void—a disconnection from our emotions, desires, and identity. In this state, we are not truly present in our interactions. We are performing, adapting, and responding to others rather than showing up as ourselves. This is why people-pleasers often feel unseen and misunderstood in relationships. The truth is, they are not being seen because they are not actually showing up.
The Importance of Rebuilding Self-Trust
Recognising self-abandonment is crucial, but the real work lies in relearning how to trust ourselves. Years of adapting to others' expectations can leave us uncertain about our own needs, instincts, and choices. The path to healthy relationships isn’t just about stopping people-pleasing; it’s about rebuilding the inner confidence to know that our desires, boundaries, and emotions are valid.
Here’s what it takes to cultivate self-trust:
Listening to Your Own Voice: After years of silencing ourselves, it takes time to distinguish our true desires from what we think others expect of us. Slowing down, reflecting, and asking, What do I truly want? can help reconnect with our inner voice.
Validating Our Own Choices: Instead of seeking constant external approval, we need to affirm our own decisions. This doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes—it means we trust ourselves enough to navigate them.
Honouring Our Boundaries: Learning to say no without guilt is a powerful way to reinforce self-trust. Every time we respect our own limits, we send a message to ourselves that our needs matter.
Rebuilding Emotional Safety: Many people-pleasers equate conflict or rejection with danger. Rewiring this belief—understanding that discomfort doesn’t equal abandonment—helps us stand firm in our authenticity.
Self-Trust and Relationship Alignment
When we trust ourselves, we naturally attract better relationships. Without self-trust, we may fall into relationships where we over-give, seek approval, or tolerate mistreatment because we doubt our worth. But as we build inner confidence, we create a foundation for relationships based on mutual respect rather than performance.
People who value and respect us will be drawn to the strength we exude, while those who thrived on our self-abandonment will fade away. The shift is subtle but powerful: when we stop needing others to validate us, we naturally align with people who appreciate us as we are. That initial point of transition can feel terrifying as actually the things we fear the most is happening - those around us leave. The truth is those around us who gathered in our people-pleasing era will never really be present with us - at least not the us that meets our own needs, as it is not what they signed up for.
Choosing Yourself
Breaking free from the paradox of pleasing isn’t just about setting boundaries or saying no—it’s about choosing yourself over and over again. Rebuilding self-trust takes time and conscious effort, but it is the foundation of a life where you no longer have to chase relationships that don’t serve you.
And then as if by magic, the relationships you once chased will become the ones that effortlessly find you—when you finally decide to trust yourself.
Paid subscribers get access to the Self-Trust Compass excersise at the end of the article, to help you hear yourself again.
Self-trust is not an instant switch—it’s a muscle that needs consistent practice. The Self-Trust Compass is a structured, repeatable process to help you strengthen that muscle by reconnecting with your needs, emotions, boundaries, and wisdom every day.
Each direction on the compass represents a key aspect of self-trust:
North (Needs) – Recognising and honouring what you truly want.
East (Emotions) – Acknowledging and accepting your feelings.
South (Self-Boundaries) – Setting and maintaining healthy limits.
West (Wisdom) – Trusting your inner guidance rather than seeking external validation.
This exercise is designed to be used daily.
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