The inner wolves we fear are often the ones that most need our care.
We often talk about secure attachment as if it’s the holy grail of relationship healing, the final destination where all our fears, triggers, and insecurities melt away. But sadly this in not the case. Secure attachment isn’t an endpoint. It’s a process, a practice, and a relationship with our inner world before it becomes our outer world.
This is where the therapeutic approach of Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers such a refreshing perspective. It reminds us that healing isn’t about eliminating insecurity altogether, it’s about learning how to work with the parts of us that show up when life gets messy.
What Is Internal Family Systems (IFS)?
IFS, developed by Richard Schwartz, sees the mind not as one single voice but as a whole family of parts, each with its own feelings and intentions.
Exiles: the vulnerable parts that carry old wounds; for example, fear of abandonment, shame, loneliness.
Managers: the protective parts that try to keep those wounds buried; for example, through perfectionism, control, detachment, or constant vigilance.
Firefighters: the reactive parts that jump in when pain breaks through; for example, sometimes by lashing out, clinging, numbing, or distracting.
And beneath all of them, always present, is the core self who is calm, compassionate, connected, and wise. Healing doesn’t mean we get rid of our parts. It means our self leads them with kindness.
The Myth of “Once I’m Secure, I’m Fixed”
Attachment theory gives us a framework for understanding how our early relationships shape the way we love as adults, whether anxious, avoidant, disorganised, or secure. But here’s the misunderstanding I see so often: once we “become secure,” we expect the parts will stop showing up.
A secure exile may still whisper, “What if they leave?” during conflict. The difference is, the self can comfort it.
A secure manager may still over-function under stress. But it collaborates with the self instead of taking over.
Even a secure firefighter may still flare after betrayal or loss, but it’s noticed and soothed rather than derailing intimacy.
Security isn’t the absence of parts. It’s the presence of self. So how do we tell if we are really present or in some way absent?
“That Doesn’t Bother Me”
So how do we recognise presence and security? One of the biggest misconceptions is equating numbness with security. You’ve probably heard someone say, “That doesn’t bother me,” as if brushing something off means they’re secure. But often that’s not security, it’s an avoidant manager shutting down feelings to protect an exile.
True security isn’t about ignoring ruptures. It’s about feeling the feeling, noticing it, and riding the wave without becoming so overwhelmed you can’t stay present.
This is internal repair after rupture. Insecure systems either avoid the pain (avoidant) or drown in it (anxious) or swing unpredictably between the two (disorganised). Secure systems can do the harder thing: sit with it, soothe the parts inside, and come back to connection.
This is the essence of internal reparenting, showing up for the parts of us that carry old hurts, in the way we wish someone had shown up long ago. So, why is there such a pull to do this?
The Nervous System and Rupture Repair
Polyvagal Theory helps us understand why this matters. Our nervous system constantly scans for safety. Ruptures activate us, sometimes into panic, sometimes into shut-down. But when we repair, the nervous system learns something powerful: I can move through activation and come back to calm.
Every time this happens, we widen our window of tolerance. Which means future ruptures feel less catastrophic, and our parts learn they can trust the self to guide them through.
We don’t become secure by avoiding ruptures. We become secure by repairing them.
The Rupture-to-Repair Map™
When a rupture hits (sharp tone, late reply, cancelled plan), your nervous system and parts will react first. That’s normal. We’re going to move from reaction → regulation → repair. This is a Rupture → Repair journey guide, that I’ve created for what to do in an external relationship (with a partner, friend, or close other). I invite you to try these steps:
Notice what’s happening inside (which part is activated: avoidant manager, anxious firefighter, or both in disorganised attachment).
Soothe your nervous system (using Polyvagal techniques - examples given below) before speaking or acting.
Choose a relational move (what you actually say or do with the other person, the scripts are built in below).
Follow through with aftercare (so it doesn’t just stop at the first repair, but builds resilience over time).
The map bridges internal work with IFS with external behaviour (relational repair).
First, 60-second triage (for everyone)
Name the moment (out loud or in your head):
“Rupture just happened.” (This stops the spiral.)Orient your body (Polyvagal reset, ~20–60s):
Look around and name 5 things you can see.
Feel your feet. Unclench jaw, drop shoulders.
Breathe: in for 4, out for 8 (2–5 rounds).
Identify the part that’s up (IFS check):
“Is this an avoidant manager wanting distance?”
“Is this an anxious firefighter craving reassurance now?”
“Are two parts fighting inside me? One anxious firefighter pulling close, one avoidant manager pushing away?”
Ask your core Self to lead:
“I’m here. I can hold this. Parts, you don’t have to run the show.”
If your system goes avoidant (manager takes over)
Signs: “I’m fine,” numbness, changing subject, urge to work/scroll/leave.
Goal: Feel a little (not all at once), stay present, re-engage from choice.
Steps (10–15 minutes total):
Label the manager: for example,
“My avoidant manager is protecting an exile that fears shame/engulfment.”Micro-dose the feeling (90 seconds):
Place a hand on chest. “Body, where is the feeling?” Breathe into that spot for 5 slow exhales. No story, just sensation.Speak to the exile (quietly):
“I know this feels too much. I won’t flood you. I’m staying.”Give the manager a role:
“Please help me speak simply instead of shutting down.”Re-engage with the other in one sentence:
Script: “A part of me wanted to shut down. I’m here. Can we talk for ten minutes?”Use ‘one-truth, one-need’:
“Truth: I felt overwhelmed by the tone. Need: a slower pace and no interruptions.”Time-limit the talk:
Set 10–15 minutes. Long talks spike avoidance.Close with connection:
“Thanks for hearing me. I’ll check back in at 7pm.”
Don’ts (prevent re-rupture): Don’t say “It’s not a big deal,” don’t disappear without a time you’ll return.
If your system goes anxious (firefighter takes over)
Signs: Urge to text repeatedly, catastrophising, tears/anger, “tell me now!”
Goal: Settle the body first, then ask for contact without demand.
Steps (10–20 minutes total):
Name the exile:
“My abandonment-exile is scared.” (Compassion, not criticism.)Body before words (2–3 mins):
Breath in for 4 and out for 8 x 5 or paced walking for one song.
Grounding touch: hand to heart + slow exhale.
Speak to the exile:
“I’m here. I won’t leave you for this conversation. We can wait 20 minutes.”Ask the firefighter to stand down:
“Thanks for trying to keep us safe. I’ll handle the texting.”Send one self-led message:
Script: “A part of me felt panicky when I didn’t hear back. When you have a moment later, could we reconnect? I’m okay and I’m looking forward to it.”Create a bridge time:
Set a timer (20–45 mins). Do a regulating activity (shower, fresh air, tidy one surface).When partner is available, use ‘name–impact–ask’:
“When I didn’t hear back (name), a scared part spiked (impact). Could we agree on a quick ‘got your message, talk later’ text when busy? (ask)”Close with appreciation:
“Thanks for reassuring that part. It helped.”
Don’ts: Don’t stack messages, don’t interrogate, don’t read tone into silence.
If your system feels disorganised (push–pull swing)
Signs: “Come close-go away,” mixed texts, sudden warmth then ice, inner whiplash.
Goal: Stabilise inside first; make one clear move; keep the channel of communication gentle.
Steps (15–25 minutes total):
State the paradox:
“Two parts are loud: one wants closeness, one fears it.”Draw a quick map (2 mins):
Column A: ‘Come closer’ part - what it fears/wants.
Column B: ‘Go away’ part - what it fears/wants.Co-regulate your body (3 mins):
Butterfly tap (alternating shoulders - arms crossed over tapping the opposite shoulder, one then the other slowly)
Humming or long sighs (vagus nerve cue).
Choose a micro-move (not both):
Pick either connection or space for the next hour.If connection:
Script: “I’m a bit wobbly. Could we do a 10-minute check-in at 7? Hearing your voice will help me settle.”If space:
Script: “I care about this and I’m dysregulated. I’m going for a walk and will message you by 7 to set a time to talk.”During the call, use ‘traffic light’:
Green (regulated): share one impact + one need.
Amber (edging up): slow breath, name it: “I’m amber, can we slow down?”
Red (too much): pause kindly: “I’m red. Let’s pause 20 mins and return.”
Close with plan:
Name one next concrete step (e.g., “Text on arrival,” “10-minute morning check-in”).
Don’ts: Don’t alternate demands and distancing in the same hour; don’t force a Big Talk while swinging between two sides.
If you have access to a secure, self-led response
Aim: Acknowledge, regulate, repair, without minimising or dramatising.
Four lines you can use or filter into your own similar words:
Acknowledge: “That landed hard for me.”
Own your parts: “A part of me wanted to [shut down/chase]. I’ve asked it to step back.”
Name your need: “What would help is [tone, timing, a quick ‘got it’].”
Offer repair: “Can we take 10 minutes now, or schedule later this evening?”
Timing tip: Keep the first repair under 15 minutes. Book a longer debrief (20–30 mins) within 24–48 hours if needed.
Co-regulation moves (for either partner)
Physiology first: Sit back-to-back for 60 seconds breathing.
Single-topic rule: One rupture at a time. Park old conflicts.
Mirroring (brief): “What I heard is… Did I get it?”
Two-good-faith statements to close:
“I believe you want this to work.” / “I’m willing to try that change.”
Aftercare: the 5-minute learning loop
What part led me first? (manager, firefighter, both)
What helped me return to Self? (breath, pause, script)
What will I repeat next time? (one behaviour)
What will I retire? (one unhelpful move)
Gratitude: Name one thing your partner (or you) did that helped.
Boundaries that protect future repairs
Set a response window: “If we’re upset, we’ll acknowledge within 2 hours and set a time to talk within 24.”
Tone pact: No name-calling, eye-rolling, or threats to leave mid-repair.
Stop word: Either can call “Pause,regulate,” and you both step back for 15–30 mins, then resume.
Quick cheatsheet
Avoidant Spike
Feel 10% → say one honest line → set a short chat.
Instead of shutting down, let yourself feel a little, name it briefly (“I felt overwhelmed”), then agree to talk for 10–15 minutes.
Anxious Spike
Regulate first → send one calm message → bridge the time.
Settle your body before texting, send one non-demanding message, then give yourself a time marker so the exile isn’t left hanging.
Disorganised Swing
Stabilise inside → choose one move → keep it short.
Notice both impulses (push/pull), regulate, then pick one action for the next hour (connect briefly or take space) and stick with it.
Secure Template
Acknowledge → own your part → state need → time-limit repair.
Name what hurt, say which part reacted, ask for what helps, and keep the first repair short (15 mins), with a longer talk later if needed.
Remember: ruptures aren’t failures, they’re the gym where your nervous system and parts build stamina and learn trust. Each time you move from reaction to self-led repair, you widen your window of tolerance and strengthen real security.
Reframing the Goal
So the goal isn’t to “arrive” at security and stay there untouched. It’s about building a relationship with our parts, so they trust the self enough to soften.
Triggers don’t mean you’re have to be Insecure. They mean you’re alive.
Parts don’t mean you’ve failed. They mean you have a system worth leading.
Security isn’t a certificate you earn, it’s a practice of returning to self again and again.
Secure attachment isn’t the end of the road. It’s the way we walk it, with our parts alongside us, like a pilgrimage, our nervous system takes as an endurance adventure, learning resilience, with our self at the helm.
And as if by magic… we discover that security was never about erasing those triggers, but about learning to meet them with compassion. Wolves are known for protecting the weakest of the pack, slowing the pace so no one is left behind. Our internal family works the same way, security grows not by banishing our most vulnerable parts, but by learning to travel at their pace, bringing them with us until, together, we find our way home.
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