Many of us have been there, wondering if that nagging feeling is just a passing moment of doubt or something bigger. You know, where you start questioning everything about your relationship. Is it healthy? Is it teetering on the edge of falling apart? Or is it just that your partner forgot to pick up the dry cleaning again?
At the core of it, the health of any relationship boils down to emotional connection. But how do we know if that connection is secure or slipping? How do we figure out if we’re in a relationship that’s strong and thriving, or if we’re just holding on for dear life, hoping it’ll get better? It’s where Attachment Theory can really help us make sense of things.
Attachment Theory tells us that the way we connect with people—how we respond to emotional needs, handle conflict, and show up emotionally—is deeply rooted in our attachment style. Whether you're type is; secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganised, understanding how we attach to others gives us a clearer picture of how our relationships are really doing. And once you understand your own attachment style, it’s easier to spot red flags or know when things are working like they should.
So, how can you tell if your relationship is healthy or unhealthy?
What Makes a Relationship Healthy?
A healthy relationship is more than just love and lust. It's built on trust, respect, and the ability to communicate openly—the kind of connection where both people feel safe to show their true selves. If you’re both emotionally available, and you’re supporting each other’s growth, it’s a sign that you’re on solid ground.
Here are the signs of a healthy relationship:
Mutual trust and respect: You can rely on each other, and your partner respects your boundaries.
Effective communication: There’s no guessing games. You both feel heard and valued, especially when things get tough.
Emotional availability: You’re there for each other, no matter what. Whether it’s celebrating wins or supporting each other through the tough days, you know you’ve got each other’s backs.
Room for growth: You both encourage each other to be your best selves, and you give each other space to grow both together and independently.
When you’re with someone who’s securely attached, these things come naturally. You can be vulnerable and still feel safe. You can communicate, even when it’s hard, because you trust that your partner won’t pull away or shut down. There’s a sense of emotional safety that allows you to express yourself freely, which is a hallmark of a healthy, secure attachment.
What Makes a Relationship Unhealthy?
But what happens when things go wrong? When something starts to feel off, but you can’t quite put your finger on it? Unhealthy relationships often lack the foundation of trust and emotional support.
Here’s what you might notice:
Constant fear of abandonment: You’re always wondering if your partner is going to leave. There’s a constant need for reassurance, and you’re always second-guessing their love.
Emotional withdrawal: If your partner tends to retreat emotionally or avoids conversations, this could indicate an avoidant attachment style. When your emotional needs go unmet, it leaves you feeling disconnected.
Unresolved conflict: If you’re stuck in endless arguments with no resolution, you’re in unhealthy territory. Poor communication leads to frustration and resentment, and both partners feel unheard.
Lack of support for personal growth: If one person is always pulling the weight or is overly dependent on the other, it creates an unhealthy dynamic.
Codependency can make it hard for both people to grow individually and as a couple.Emotional instability: If your relationship is a constant emotional rollercoaster, it’s likely due to disorganised attachment. One minute things are great, and the next, you’re both on edge, unsure where you stand.
These are all signs that the relationship is running on unhealthy emotional patterns—usually tied to insecure attachment styles. Awareness is the first step to changing things.
How Attachment Styles Affect Relationship Health
Attachment theory is all about how we form emotional bonds. How we attach to our caregivers as children has a major impact on how we show up in relationships as adults. And knowing your attachment style can really help you figure out where things might be going wrong (or right) in your relationship.
Let’s break down the attachment styles and see how they influence relationship dynamics.
Secure Attachment
Healthy signs: Securely attached individuals are emotionally available, communicate well, and trust their partners. They know how to show affection and handle conflict calmly without getting too overwhelmed.
Relationship health: When both partners are securely attached, it’s smooth sailing. You both know how to meet each other’s emotional needs, and there’s a deep sense of mutual trust and respect. You know you’re in a secure relationship when communication flows easily and you both feel comfortable being vulnerable.
Anxious Attachment
Unhealthy signs: If you’re anxious, you might constantly seek reassurance, and you can easily become overwhelmed by the fear of abandonment. You may also feel insecure and get caught in cycles of emotional highs and lows.
Relationship health: If you’re anxious, your partner might feel like they’re walking on eggshells, trying to meet your emotional needs. To make it work, you both need to develop a stronger sense of trust and learn how to calm anxieties without constantly seeking reassurance.
Avoidant Attachment
Unhealthy signs: Avoidantly attached people often shut down emotionally, resist intimacy, and prefer to keep their distance. They tend to avoid conflict and may seem dismissive of their partner’s emotional needs.
Relationship health: If your partner is avoidant, it might feel like you’re constantly pushing against a wall. For a healthy relationship, the avoidant person needs to work on becoming more emotionally available, and the anxious partner needs to learn how to manage their emotional needs without overwhelming the avoidant person.
Disorganised Attachment
Unhealthy signs: If you’re disorganised, you might feel torn between wanting closeness and pulling away when it feels too much. You might feel trapped in a cycle of love and fear, leading to unpredictable behaviour.
Relationship health: Relationships with disorganised attachment can be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. To improve things, both partners need to work on creating stability and consistency in their interactions. Therapy can be a great way to help navigate these emotional swings and work towards more secure patterns of behaviour.
When One Partner Is Secure and the Other Is Not
Here’s the interesting part: What happens when one partner is securely attached but the other is not? Can a secure partner’s attachment style temporarily shift? The answer is yes on the surface it can. Even the most securely attached people can temporarily start reacting like their anxious or avoidant partner in response to certain relationship dynamics.
Being in a relationship with a partner who has an anxious, avoidant, or disorganised attachment style can be emotionally challenging for someone with a secure attachment style. Each of these attachment styles comes with its own set of behaviours that can destabilise the emotional environment, leaving the secure partner feeling confused, frustrated, or emotionally drained.
For example, with an anxious partner, the secure individual might experience a constant emotional ebb and flow. Anxious attachment often manifests as a need for constant reassurance, as the anxious partner worries about their partner’s love and whether they will be abandoned. This leads to a cycle of emotional highs and lows where the secure partner feels like they are constantly being pulled in to soothe their partner’s fears, sometimes at the expense of their own emotional balance. Over time, this can feel overwhelming, as the secure partner is left trying to fill a void that seems unfillable leaving the secure person with projected anxiety that they internalise.
With an avoidant partner, the situation is different, but equally challenging. Avoidant attachment is characterised by emotional withdrawal and a reluctance to engage in deeper emotional intimacy. The avoidant partner often shuts down during moments of vulnerability or conflict, making it difficult for the secure partner to connect on a deeper level. This withdrawal can leave the secure partner feeling rejected, unwanted, or emotionally distant. They might try to engage, initiate conversation, or express their needs, only to be met with silence or indifference. Over time, this emotional distance can feel like a slow erosion of the connection, leaving the secure partner feeling unappreciated or even invisible. They internalise the detachment of the other as they feel helpless in the attempts at connection they make.
In relationships with a disorganised attachment style, the emotional experience is often the most chaotic. Disorganised attachment is a combination of both anxious and avoidant patterns, creating a confusing emotional push-pull dynamic. The disorganised partner may oscillate between seeking closeness and intimacy and then withdrawing, creating an unpredictable emotional atmosphere. One moment, they may express deep affection and the next, they may become distant or even angry, often pushing the secure partner away just as they begin to feel close. This back-and-forth can create a sense of confusion for the secure partner, who might struggle to understand their partner’s shifting emotions and behaviours. It can feel like trying to navigate a storm without a clear sense of direction, where the secure partner might feel emotionally destabilised despite their own emotional availability in other areas of life but not with their partner.
In each of these scenarios, the secure partner can feel emotionally drained, undervalued, and uncertain about the stability of the relationship. They may find themselves second-guessing their partner’s feelings or questioning their own needs and emotional boundaries. However, it’s important to understand that these reactions are often rooted in their partner’s attachment style and not a reflection of the secure partner’s worth or the love they are giving.
To maintain their own emotional well-being while navigating these challenges, the secure partner must first recognise the emotional patterns at play. Understanding that the anxious partner’s need for constant reassurance, the avoidant partner’s emotional distance, or the disorganised partner’s push-pull behaviours are attachment-driven can help the secure partner avoid internalising these behaviours. They must recognise that their partner’s attachment style is not a reflection of their love or commitment to the relationship, but rather an emotional response shaped by past experiences.
Setting healthy emotional boundaries is crucial. The secure partner must ensure that they are not overextending themselves emotionally or taking on the role of emotional caretaker to an extent that leaves them feeling depleted. While the secure partner can provide emotional support, they must also protect their own emotional health by clearly defining what is and isn’t acceptable in the relationship. For example, if the anxious partner’s constant need for reassurance becomes overwhelming, the secure partner might need to gently communicate their limits, explaining that reassurance is healthy but it can’t be constant, and that the anxious partner should also work on self-soothing.
Open and consistent communication is essential. Rather than bottling up feelings of frustration or confusion, the secure partner should express how they feel about the emotional dynamics in a way that is constructive and non-blaming. For instance, they might say, “I notice that when we don’t talk about how we’re feeling, I start to feel distant from you,” or “When you pull away like that, I feel like I’m losing touch with you, and it leaves me uncertain about where we stand.” It’s important to avoid criticism, instead focusing on how the dynamic makes them feel, and making space for their partner to reflect on their own emotional responses.
Another critical aspect for the secure partner is self-care. In relationships with anxious, avoidant, or disorganised individuals, it’s easy for the secure partner to become emotionally drained. Without time for themselves, the secure partner might begin to feel resentful or overwhelmed. It’s essential that they take regular breaks to recharge emotionally, whether that’s through individual therapy, engaging in hobbies they enjoy, or spending time with supportive friends and family. Self-care is not selfish; it’s necessary for maintaining the emotional energy needed to stay present and supportive in the relationship.
Finally, it’s important for the secure partner to be patient but also realistic. While they may want to help their partner heal or grow, they should not take on the responsibility of “fixing” them. The secure partner can support their partner’s journey by creating a safe, emotionally available space for growth, but they cannot do the emotional work for them. If the emotional burden becomes too much or the relationship feels too unstable, seeking couples therapy may be an important next step. Therapy can provide both partners with tools to address their attachment patterns and learn healthier ways of relating to one another.
Being in a relationship with someone who has an anxious, avoidant, or disorganised attachment style can certainly challenge a secure partner’s emotional resilience. But by recognising attachment patterns, setting boundaries, communicating openly, and maintaining a commitment to self-care, the secure partner can navigate these dynamics with greater emotional clarity. In doing so, both partners can create a relationship based on mutual understanding, emotional availability, and respect, allowing both to thrive individually and together.
How to Improve Relationship Health
If you notice signs that your relationship is struggling, don’t worry—there are ways to shift things back onto healthier ground.
Understand Your Attachment Styles:
The first step to healing is recognising where you and your partner stand. Understanding each other’s attachment styles allows for deeper empathy and better communication.Open Communication:
Talk openly about your emotional needs, triggers, and patterns. This can be uncomfortable, but it’s key to making things work.Work on Emotional Availability:
If you or your partner are struggling with emotional availability, work on becoming more open and present in the relationship. Both partners need to be willing to engage emotionally.Seek Professional Support:
Therapy can help you both understand your attachment patterns and provide tools to strengthen your emotional connection.
At the end of the day, knowing if your relationship is healthy or unhealthy comes down to emotional security. Healthy relationships are rooted in mutual trust, respect, and communication. If you’re feeling uncertain, take a moment to reflect on your attachment dynamics and see where the emotional shifts are happening. Understand your attachment styles, communicate openly, and make sure you’re both emotionally available to each other.
And as if by magic… once you start recognising the emotional patterns, you can start to break free from the unhealthy ones, making space for a more secure, balanced connection.
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